FurZapper Found Its Purpose Eventually

It arrived in a two-pack, which should have been our first hint. BW held the package like it was a religious artifact. "This," she said, "will save us from having to lint roll every single load of laundry." I nodded. I always nod when BW makes a declarative statement about cleaning products. It's easier that way.

The FurZapper itself felt like a small, rubbery starfish with a mild existential crisis. It did not ask to be thrown into a washing machine. It did not ask to collect the hair of a dog we don't even own — the neighbor's golden retriever sheds through the fence somehow. But there it was. Ready to serve.

The child found it before I could even open the bag. She held it up to the light. "It's a sea creature," she said. I corrected her. She didn't hear me. She never does. She took it to her room. I didn't see it for two days.

BW found it under the couch, covered in what I can only describe as a fine film of peanut butter and regret. She threw it in the wash with a load of towels. The FurZapper did its job. It really did. There was a hairball the size of a small rodent stuck to it when the cycle ended. BW was triumphant. I was impressed. The FurZapper had found its purpose.

Then the child found it again. She decided it needed a bath. In the toilet. She flushed it. FurZapper Number One disappeared into the plumbing of Niagara Falls, Ontario, and I choose to believe it haunts the municipal water treatment plant as a tiny, rubbery ghost.

FurZapper Number Two lasted exactly one more wash before the child decided it looked lonely. She put it in her pocket. She forgot about it. I found it three days later in the bottom of the laundry basket, still damp, still covered in the lint from a single sock. It had given up. I could tell.

BW bought another two-pack. I did not stop her. The child is now using one as a bath toy. She named it Steve. I think Steve still believes he can save us from the laundry. Steve is wrong. But we let him try.

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