What the Pet Hair Eraser Learned

The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser showed up on a Tuesday. Compact. Cordless. Designed, according to the box, for people who understand that dog hair is not a seasonal problem but a way of life. It had a tank. It had suction. It had hope.

BW unwrapped it like she'd been waiting for this thing to solve something real. The dog had been shedding since October. The couch looked like it was growing fur. The regular vacuum was too heavy to haul up there every day, which is the kind of thing that sounds like an excuse until you're sixty and your back votes on these decisions for you.

I watched her test it on the armchair. The thing worked. Legitimately worked. Picked up two years' worth of accumulated golden retriever in about four minutes. She smiled. I haven't seen her smile like that over a cleaning product in a while. (Maybe ever.)

Then the child found it on Thursday.

Not the vacuum part. The tank. The clear plastic tank that was supposed to show you when it was full, which is a good design feature until someone who is seven years old discovers that it's also a window into a world of possibilities. Specifically: a world where you could fill it with water and use it as a weapon.

I found the Pet Hair Eraser soaking wet on the kitchen tile, sitting in a puddle that extended into the dining room. The child was outside, drenched, looking pleased with herself. The dog was confused but also sort of cleaner.

BW found the two of us standing there like we'd been caught at a crime scene.

"Is that," she said slowly, "the vacuum I just brought home?"

I explained. The child had gotten creative. The Pet Hair Eraser's cordless design meant it was portable. Its clear tank made it transparent about capacity. Its lightweight construction made it accessible to smaller humans with bigger imaginations. These were all selling points. They were also, it turned out, design flaws when you had a seven-year-old in the house.

The manual doesn't mention this. Doesn't say anything about "not suitable for use as water balloon launcher" or "keep away from children who understand the word 'leverage."

BW dried it out. Tested it. It still works. Better than before, actually. The water did something to the suction that might be placebo but probably isn't. (The child likes to think she improved it.)

Now it lives in the hall closet in a tote bag that zips shut. A preventative measure. The dog still sheds. The couch still needs it. But the Pet Hair Eraser has learned what every product eventually learns when it enters this house: we are not the people you were designed for.

We are the people you find out what you're actually made of.

If you liked this story about the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser Handheld Vacuum, you can buy your own on Amazon. Remember, we're BFF if you do.