What the Pet Hair Eraser Learned

The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser arrived in a box that cost more than my last oil change. BW ordered it because the dog has apparently decided to shed in three dimensions now, including straight up into the air where gravity hasn't discovered it yet. I unboxed the thing. Held it. It was lightweight. Purple. Looked like something designed by people who'd never actually owned a dog or met a seven-year-old.

The child watched me charge it.

Day one was fine. The Pet Hair Eraser did what it said it would do. It erased pet hair. From the couch. From under the kitchen table. From inside my ear somehow. BW was pleased. This is the only metric that matters in a house. I drove Uber that night feeling like maybe we'd turned a corner. Maybe the dog would stop looking like it was actively molting. Maybe the child would stop finding fur in her juice box.

On day two, the child asked if she could use it.

I should have said no. BW was at book club. The dog was asleep. The logical part of my brain—the part that has learned things—that part screamed. But the tired part of my brain, the part that's been up since 5 a.m. driving strangers to the airport, that part said sure. You vacuum the hallway. Good practice.

She did vacuum the hallway. Then she vacuumed the cat. (We don't have a cat. I still don't understand this.)

Then she discovered that if you hold it sideways and squeeze the trigger, it makes a sound like a angry robot. This discovery took approximately forty-five minutes and consumed the entire battery.

The Pet Hair Eraser now lives in the garage next to three other vacuums I've purchased with hope and abandoned with acceptance. Its dust cup never actually empties the same way twice. Sometimes it sprays fine hair back into the air like a small purple betrayal. Sometimes it just decides it's done and sits there, charging, waiting for me to come back and plug it in again tomorrow because I'm an optimist and a coward (not in that order).

BW asked me last week why we weren't using it anymore. I told her the truth: the dog won. The dog always wins. We just take turns learning this lesson differently, and the Pet Hair Eraser learned it the fastest of all.

If you liked this story about the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser Handheld Vacuum, you can buy your own on Amazon. Remember, we're BFF if you do.