The ChomChom Roller Did Not Ask For This

BW bought it after watching a video at 2 AM. The ChomChom Roller arrived in a box that was mostly air. It sat on the counter for three days while the child asked if she could open it. "No," I said. She opened it anyway. (She always does.)

The ChomChom Roller was a blue cylinder with a handle. It had bristles that were supposed to trap hair. It did not know what it was in for. It was manufactured with a single dream: to gather dog hair from upholstery. It expected to be respected. It expected to be used with gentle back-and-forth strokes. It expected to be cleaned out in a dignified manner—over a trash can, with a satisfied click.

What it got was the child.

She picked it up. She rolled it across the cat. The cat did not appreciate this. The cat left. She rolled it across the floor. The handle made a clicking noise that she found hilarious. She rolled it across her own hair. I said, "That's not for hair." She rolled it across the television screen. I said nothing. There are battles you do not pick.

BW CAME HOME. She took the ChomChom Roller from the child's hands. She demonstrated proper technique on the armchair. The dog hair came up in satisfying gray clumps. BW nodded. The ChomChom Roller felt a moment of purpose. It was doing its job.

Then BW put it in the hall closet. The closet is where items go to wait for their next use. The ChomChom Roller sat next to a lint roller and a shoehorn. It did not know that the child's reach increases daily. By the next afternoon, the child had retrieved it. She took it to the back of my car. She rolled it across the back seat. She rolled it across the floor mats. She rolled it across the crumbs from a granola bar she was not supposed to have.

The ChomChom Roller's chamber filled with a mixture of hair, crumbs, and something sticky. The child tried to open it. She could not. She put it back in the closet, slightly greasy.

Now it sits there. It dreams of being used in a calm, linear motion on a well-loved sofa. Instead it waits. The child will find it again. She always does.

The dog doesn't even live here. He's the neighbor's. But his hair sticks to everything. The ChomChom Roller has accepted its fate. It is not the hero of this story. It is a tool that got involved with the wrong family.

If you liked this story about the ChomChom Roller Pet Hair Remover, you can buy your own on Amazon. Remember, we're BFF if you do.